the past few days, i have felt life tying up all sorts of loose ends.
this morning, the end to a two year headache and annoyance finally arrived in the mail. as much as i healed and moved on long ago, i finally felt like the crappy mess from junior year was settled and done. such a little thing—something i downplayed like crazy—has played an extremely significant role in my life. even though i felt like it was over two years ago, today it was officially finished. done, closed, moved on. weird to think how far i’ve come, how much has changed, and how much has stayed the same.
two separate people this weekend have mentioned how i have changed and grown…i look a little different, i talk a little differently, my sense of humor has changed. i still can’t decide if i should take these comments positively or negatively..
last night i got to see one of my best friends dance in her new company. i got to see her dance different pieces with different people on a different stage. as i watched the show, my mind kept trying to identify faces..oh! i know her! wait..nope. my mind kept trying to recognize people until i was overwhelmed with the simple truth:
i don’t know these people.
i don’t know anything about these dances, and i have never met the people in them.
i cried while i watched heather dance…mostly because it was beautiful & she is crazy talented & i have a huge appreciation for music and movement and performance & i’m a sap. but i also cried a little bit for me. i thought about 14 years of dance classes and performances. i thought about last may, when i cried and danced with my best friends for the last time on stage. and i thought about how that phase of my life is over. it was a beautiful thing to watch, because i was overtaken with the realization that we have all picked up and gone on with our lives. my best friends, little pieces of my heart, are literally scattered across the world, each pursuing our innate passions and unique talents. it was inevitable. and now it feels real.
dance was something that defined me for fourteen years of my life. it owned my time, it fostered my friendships, it filled my heart. in may, i closed that chapter of my life. a huge part of me knows that i will always love love love dance, that i will always consider myself a dancer, and i will always consider dance to be the prettiest of art forms and the expression of my soul. however, as i closed the chapter in may, i knew that it would never again consume my life. not because i didn’t want it to, not because i wanted it to be over….but because i knew that my time as a serious, dedicated dancer was ending. and for me, that was the direction life was bound to take.
it’s weird to me, that the people in my life now and the people in my life in the future will never know the “‘dancer” me. something that defined the majority of my life will be a little-known-fact to any future people i come in contact with. it’s weird to me that my best friends are going off and meeting new best friends, exploring countries, learning languages, learning from silly mistakes, dancing with companies, growing up. it’s weird to me, the concept of growing up.
loose ends. as i watched heather dance, i could see loose ends being tied up. i could see how much she has grown… how much we have all changed and moved on. we swore we wouldn’t, we didn’t think it could happen. it isn’t drastic, this change. it isn’t necessarily bad and it isn’t necessarily good. but it’s there.
loose ends tying.
chapters closing.
new chapters being written.
people changing into the people they were made to be.
it’s happening slowly, but altogether too fast.
it’s beautiful and it’s bittersweet and it’s subtle and it’s weird.
it’s life, i guess.
